It seems that I am cursed with bad luck. How do I break such a curse?
07.06.2025 01:59
I was raised by an extremely narcissistic mother. She beat me and kicked and punches me for the slightest things. Then she would constantly tell me it was because I was such a bad kid and that's why it was my fault. She didn't let me get a job until I was 20, but constantly told me I was a bum who just wanted to mooch off her because I didn't have a job. I started going to college at 19. But from the beginning, there was so many problems. 1. I had no money for the bus and my mother wouldn't drive me. 2. I needed financial aid in order to go, and even though I got approved for financial aid, I didn't find out until I started taking classes that it wasn't paying for anything. My school counselors would look at my records and see that I was approved. But they could never tell for 2 years why it just wasn't paying out. I had to drop out twice in that 2 years because I couldn't afford to go without it. I tried again the third year and was looking at my FASFA when I noticed that there was a class from highschool, a college credit class, that was marked as “unverified” or something. Turns out, the system thought it would have to pay for the college credit class from highschool because it mistook it for an actual college class. Every college course has to be “verified” by a counselor in order to be paid for. We'll, this class was FREE because it wasn't a real college course, it only counted as college credit. So the system was waiting for someone to verify a free class so it could pay for the class but no one verified it because it was FREE. All it took was me reaching out to my highschool to ask someone to verify that the class was FREE and didn't need paid for and BOOM. My financial aid finally went through. It took like 10 minutes to fix an issue that set me back 2 years.
Okay, now I'm going to go because this was an extremely long post. But it was cathartic writing it out. Thank you for reading! My life still sucks but is also still good. And you know, now that I think about the lessons I've learned from all the trials I've been through, I learned that I'm not actually cursed. These lessons are blessings in disguise 🫶🏽
I'm going to tell my story here because I can't share it anywhere else. I'm 28 yo. When I was about 5, I had my father in my life who loved me. He never hit me or really even raised his voice. But one day, he disappeared out of my life because he went to jail. I didn't know it at the time so I spent my entire life never understanding why my father, who seemed to love me so much just disappeared.
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When I struggled trying to go to college, I learned the virtue of perseverance because I STILL got my degree after all that.
I had to go stay with my older half brother, who I didn't grow up with, but it seemed like we actually had a lot in common. But it turned out he had what my mother has. He would scream and yell and cuss me out over the smallest things. He was controlling and would intentionally do things like tower over me and shake a knife at me to trigger a trauma response. He would also call different people in front of me and lie on me. He would tell them that I was actually the ones starting fights and that I was toxic and a horrible person. He ended up kicking me out too. I had very little money, so I took $800 and went to a different state in order to buy this cheap RV to live in so I could have somewhere to live. While I was there, the man who sold me the RV told me that I could rent his land and keep my RV on it because I didn't have any more money to tow it. Turns out he lied about owning the land. I didn't know at first. But he suddenly started being really mean and nasty and threatening me telling me I had to leave. I kept telling him that he knew I didn't have any money to tow it so I literally COULDN'T go anywhere. He threatened to burn me up in my camper so I called the police and pressed charges. A few days later, he showed up with his mother to my camper and threw a stack of my mail in my face. I pushed him away and his mother came up and punched me in my face and called me the N word amongst many other words. I hit her back and she called the police and lied and told them I just went crazy and attacked both of them. They both told me that they had a policemen friend and he would lock me up. When the police came, he was immediately on their side. He told me he would take me to jail and I told him that the neighbors probably saw everything and once it came out that he knows people involved in this case and he didn't recuse himself, that I would sue him. He didn't take me to jail but just told me I should try to hurry up and leave the property.
Well, this is (most) of my story up until now. I left out certain parts about SA as a child because I didn't want to go into detail about it right now. But this is pretty much it. I'm still depressed.
But, I will say that I feel like giving up sometimes. But if I look back at my life, I see so many lessons that I can use to help other people:
And when my Aunt just hurt me emotionally, I remembered an important lesson I had started to internalize but I almost forgot: just because someone is wrathful and angry and hurtful, doesn't mean they also can't be kind and thoughtful. Now, this by NO means, means that you should excuse this behavior. My Aunt is wrong. She should get herself help but she doesn't think she needs it. This is only hurting her family, that the REAL her loves so much. But, all I'm saying, is that even when we're holding someone accountable for their actions, we should remember their humanity. (Only to a certain extent of course. If someone kills your loved one then fuck their humanity. ) But forgiving them for their mistakes is easier when you remember their humanity. Which is a good thing, if only because allowing yourself to forgive them will free your heart and allow you to fully heal so you can move on. That's why it's important to remember, that's why it's important to forgive. For yourself.
When I turned 20, my mother went into a fit of rage brought on by like pills or something, she beat me and kicked me out. I stayed with my oldest sister until I got enough money to move out. I was finally on my own, but something deep down was broken. I was in such a deep depression that I couldn't shake. One of those depressions where nothing bad is technically happening, but it still always feels horrible so you can't enjoy it. I mean, I could barely function. I fought so hard and kept telling myself that it would get better but it didn't. The older I got, the worse it got. I finally got a better job and moved to a slightly better neighborhood but my car broke down ON MOVING DAY. No one else was available, so I had to call my mom of all people who will still hold that over my head til this day. I got to my new home, but my depression hit quadruple time. It was so bad that I became apathetic to LIVING. It was so painful just to be alive, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I couldn't get out of bed and lost my job and got evicted.
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When I got evicted, I realized that losing all my possessions actually did NOT break me like I thought it would. I still have myself and I still have my cats that I've had for almost 10 years. That's really all I need.
Fast-forward to now and I'm staying with my Aunt. I'm glad to be around family again and I'm not so lonely like I was when I lived alone. But my Aunt gets mad sometimes. Today, she tried to tell me that my hair looks messed up now and when I was younger my hair looked more like her hair and it was prettier. I told her my hair looks the same. I told her it was pretty then and it's still pretty now. She flipped out and said I was being disrespectful talking back to her. She started yelling at me and I asked her to please stop yelling at me. This made her more mad. And she screamed and cussed at me and called me a bitch. Then she rushed up to me like she was going to hit me so I walked away from her. Luckily, she didn't hit me because I don't know what I would've done. But she kept following me and cussing and screaming louder and louder. She kept saying, “I KNOW YOUR HAIRED LOOKED BETTER THEN. ITS DAMAGED NOW. YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW? I HELPED RAISE YOU, AND YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THIS AND TELL ME NOT TO YELL!? I DO WHAT I WANT IN MY HOUSE AND YOU CAN GET OUT!!” My uncle and her daughter (my cousin who is 15) come up to her and tell her to calm down. They try to get her to go back in her room but my Aunt says she will beat my cousin's ass if she doesn't move. But, even though she's only 15, she kept trying to calm her down and eventually they got her to go back in the room. I could hear my uncle saying “ you called your niece a bitch over that?” My Aunt says, “yep, and I meant every word.” My little cousin comes out and talks to me because I was crying. She says quietly, “My mom is sick. And sick people get angry fast. You just have to ignore her and say nothing.” I kept crying because I was reminded of when I was a child and I got hit so much for stupid reasons. I started packing and I went on the porch. My Aunt came out and said I don't have to leave now but she said it all got started because I was being”condescending “ and trying to tell her she was wrong but she's not wrong about my hair because she remembers my hair used to be “fine and curly like hers “ and now I have damaged hair that is kinky. My hair was never fine. I have parts of my hair that are curlier and parts that are kinkier because I have multiple hair types. But literally, it's always been like this. However, I didn't say anything and just cried and looked down at my phone to finish typing this. She said she loves me and went back in the house and slammed the door. She did not apologize. Now I'm just sitting outside and I have a headache. My uncle just came out to check on me and told me that my Aunt is bipolar. (I always knew there was something going on with her, but I didn't have a name for it until now) He said it quietly so that my Aunt couldn't hear.
Fast-forward to the point where I have to go to trail over the man threatening to burn down my camper with me inside, I find out in court that he DOESN'T own the land and that he was simply trying to scare me off so that the real owners wouldn't find out and evict him. We'll, they did find out and evicted him. They also told me I had to leave. The guy plead guilty to “menacing” me and had to go on house arrest. I called my aunt and told her I had no where to go because, until now, I hadn't told the entire family about my situation because I didn't want them to worry. I told her it was a small town where people will yell “N*GGER!” at you if you're standing on the street. My Aunt got scared that I would be killed by the police or something so she told me to move in with her. I had no way to tow my RV so I had to just abandon it and now I'm out $800 for no reason.
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My Aunt is an amazing woman who loves her family. She and my grandmother basically raised us kids while my mother was out partying and running to a different state to get married and start a new life without her kids. I am grateful for them for helping us, sheltering us and raising us. Trying to do fun stuff with us so that we have a good childhood. My grandmother died 2 years ago from cancer so now it's my Aunt's house. Like I said, she's amazing, but she has a dark side. She is bipolar and will not get medicine for it. Ever since I can remember, from time to time, my Aunt will get set off by something small and fly off the handle. She has hit me plenty of times in my life during these bouts, but not nearly as bad as my mom. My Nana used to protect us from her hitting us, but she couldn't always help us because she was old and needed help walking sometimes.
When my mom treated me that way, I learned what kind of mom I did NOT want to be. I vowed that I would never treat my future kids that way.
And when I went to live in the other state in my RV, and that man and his mother attacked me, I realized that it pissed me off that they thought they could just hurt me and have no consequences. I realized I was a person worth defending and I defended myself.
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When my brother hurt me emotionally like he did, I learned how resilient I am. I had to tell him so many times that I was NOT a bad person, that I was NOT toxic, that I AM a good person and I did NOT deserve to be treated that way. I had to repeat it to him so many times that it become kind of a mantra and I actually started to for once in my life, feel the fullness of my own character and the goodness within me. No, I am not perfect, but my purpose is to leave this world better than I found it and I told him that too.
I moved in, but I have NOT been able to find a job in the 2 freaking months I have been here. I apply EVERYWHERE. Sometimes, people will even reach out to me to schedule an interview, but when I reply, they ghost me. It's been extremely frustrating.